


Ghost of a Smile

by Willowingends



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Episode Related, Memories, Multi, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Stream (Critical Role), Psychological Trauma, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-19
Updated: 2019-12-19
Packaged: 2021-02-25 23:59:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21854107
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Willowingends/pseuds/Willowingends
Summary: Being back in Rexxentrum is more painful than Caleb could have predicted. The bad memories have always been strong. Being confronted with ghosts of the happier moments leave him feeling hollow.
Relationships: Astrid/Eodwulf/Bren Aldric Ermendrud, Caduceus Clay & Fjord & Jester Lavorre & Beauregard Lionett & Nott & Caleb Widogast & Yasha
Comments: 2
Kudos: 91





	Ghost of a Smile

There's something unnatural in the way the sunlight dapples the ground through the leaves as they casually walk the streets. Yesterday, only yesterday, they had raced through these streets in a mad dash to reach the chantry. He hadn't had time in the race against time, in the haste and concern, to dwell on these familiar places. The blood that had pounded in his ears had been overwhelmed by the beating of his heart, the determination he had felt to save his friend, to keep his party safe. 

Now that he had encountered ghost after ghost of his past, he saw them everywhere. 

There was a sickness rolling through his stomach and a numbness absorbing his fingers. He reaches a hand up to tug at the sleeves of his jacket again as they passed a slightly raised tree just off the main road of the Shimmer Ward. The sunlight filtered through the leaves, sending a familiar warm laugh echoing through his mind. 

_"You study too hard Bren!"_

_The book is plucked out of his fingers as Astrid leans over him. Her brown hair is swept to the side today, her sharp eyes and cheekbones softened as she smiles as she leans over his slumped form. She spins away in a familiar move that she had learned just last week. It was meant to be for avoiding attacks, not for stealing away his books._

_Bren finds he doesn't mind as he watches her spin right into unexpected arms. The sunlight shines on her face as she tilts her head up and laughs. "Tell him Eodwulf!"_

_The smile doesn't look at home in his serious face, but the light in his blue eyes is one Bren has become familiar with. "Now Bren, do you really want to waste this time Master Ikkithon has given us on studies? Wouldn't you rather spend some time looking at us instead for once?"_

_His hand is held out as Astrid safely tucks his book into her satchel and then offers her hand as well to pull him up out of his comfortable spot on the grass._

_He can not say no to them. He has never been able to tell them no._

_He takes their hands and they pull him to them. The smile on his face feels as though it is splitting him in half. Their warmth wraps him up in the best feeling he has experienced. Safety,companionship, home._

"Caleb." 

He can tell by the sharpness in his name paired with the lingering softness under the edge that it is at least the fourth time Beau has said his name. He lifts his eyes to hers and blinks slowly. "Are you alright?" She asks him and he watches as she glances towards the tree. He must have been staring. Holding them back, that's all he feels he has been doing while here. Their thoughts are so heavily focused on him, missing details. He knows they are missing details because they are focused on him and his past. 

"Ja. I am fine." He says quietly, firmly, and moves passed her to join the rest of the group. He can not allow himself to hold them back for something so small as a memory. He must do better this time. 

It is not that easy. It never is. 

The Shimmer Ward has not changed much since his time here. Rexxentrum has not changed much. The rich hold so close to tradition, to stagnation, to not stirring the pot. He had once found comfort in that knowledge. To know he was entering a long line of tradition, of honor, of knowledge and power. Now it made him sick. He felt the heavy pit open and gaping in his stomach. Sucking out the warmth he had come to know when surrounded by his friends. His family. 

It left him as cold as the ice shards he had seen in that once so familiar face. 

_The library is quiet. There is the sound of other students within the academy-- the rustle of paper, the soft cadence of feet, the scratch of notes. They are not alone, there's no way to mistake that they are alone, but Eodwulf is acting as though the rest of the world does not exist._

_His strong arms are draped over Bren's shoulders as he points out another section of the book they are studying. "No, see, transmutation magic and evocation must be combined in order to summon and transform the earth in to something you can control. To separate the two is to destabilize the entire spell."_

_Eodwulf's breath tickles his ear as he speaks barely above a hushed whisper. While his finger is on the book, on the desk, his chest is pressed against Bren's back and it is making it hard for him to breathe. It is warm and comforting and improper for the library._

_Astrid is trying to hide her smile behind her own books but he can see the shining in her eyes as Eodwulf teases and torments him while actually getting work done._

_Bren envies his multitasking._

_"I would disagree. To remove the transmutation element of the spell would allow us to simply summon the element." His breath peters out as he feels the warm rumble of laughter against his back, the brush of lips against his ear._

_"You're so clever Bren."_

_The blush that lights up his cheeks earns a soft chuckle from the man behind him. Eager to fluster him just as much Bren turns and let's his lips brush against the man's cheek, just below his wide eyes. It is a small victory, it is contentment. Eodwulf's hand on his shoulder is bracing._

He jerks back as a hand comes to rest on his shoulder and he flinches again as Jester brings back her hand quickly, an apologetic look on her face. "What can I do for you, Jester?" He asks softly, attempting so shake himself back in to the present. It is hard when the cold inside of him is such a sharp counterpoint to the warmth he remembers. 

"Ah, no. Well, yes! Actually, I was wondering if you wanted to go and find something to eat with me! Pastries maybe to cheer you up!" She smiles blindly at him but he can see the concern lingering around her kind eyes. 

He can't tell her no. It is the least he can do to make up for. Every problem he is causing them. 

It is a long day.

It is a long day facing down memory after memory, phantom after phantom. His friends gather around him and attempt to distract him and there are moments when he gets carried away. When Yasha's small smile appears, when Caduceus is charmed for a moment by a shopkeeper. Fjord's hand is steady on his shoulder when he begins to sway and he knows that he is safe among them, but there is the lingering feeling that always drags him back down. 

This is where he broke, this is where his mistakes were made, and he has not yet fixed them.

That thought keeps him awake as he lays in bed at the cottage. In the soft sheets and the firm pillows, his mind drifted. It was the only state he seemed to survive in while here in the capital. 

_He had held the door open, welcomed them in with a smile. Silver thread had been strung across the doorway haphazardly and he had laughed at Astrid. Soft, warm, "Who would come calling this late at night?"_

_"You never know with Master Trent."_

_"I don't think this would upset him though. He would probably congratulate us on deepening our bonds, strengthening our magic." Eodwulf stepped out of the side chamber, his eyes dancing with light as he took in the sight if the other two._

_"Oh don't joke Eodwulf! I don't want to think about him right now of all times! He's like my_ father _!"_

_Bren laughed as he held open his arms to her and she had come to tuck her head under his chin. Her ear pressed against his chest and he knew she could feel the staccato rhythm it beat. "Traitors." She had playfully joked as he fingers sought out Eodwulf's as he sunk in to the bed, his weight making the mattress dip. He reached out his hand and accidentally brushed against Eodwulf's arm and they both hiss. A sharp intake of breath and an apologetic sigh._

_"Do they still hurt so bad Eodwulf?"_

_"No, don't worry."_

_Bren sat up, shifting as Astrid moved to sit between his legs and they both hold out their hands for Eodwulf's arms. Reluctantly the taller man provided them and softly their hands drifted over the bandages there. The small bumps, the ridges under his skin. Astrid's jaw clenches. "It's worth it. This is worth it." She says with such strong conviction that Bren can not help but nod._

_She's right. This is what he desires. This is what he has always wanted. He is brilliant and strong and talented and this is the best usage of his skills. He is proud to serve the empire in this way, to follow in Master Ikkithon's footsteps._

_But when he looks at Astrid and Eodwulf, he knows another part of him is doing this because he never wants to be apart from them_

_A double set of secrets hiding here in his room at the Solstrice Academy._

_"Let's lay down, rest." He says softly and he pulls them both down in to the soft nest of his pillows. It is with ease now that the three of then situate themselves. Their legs tangle together, Eodwulf's hand plays with his hair, Bren's fingers catch in his shirt and hold him close, and Astrid brushes back the hair from his face._

_"It's getting so long." She whispers, then her hands are trailing down his face, tilting it down, towards her and-_

"Caleb, Caleb wake up."

The hands on his face are rougher, there are claws at the end of the nails. He blinks awake to the sight of Nott's wide, cat-like eyes glowing as she stares at him with concern. She runs her finger gently under his eye again and he realizes she is wiping away his tears. 

"I know it's hard to be back here." She whispers softly, not breaking the quiet stillness of the night and the flickering candlelight. "If you want to leave, we can still go. We can just leave. Go right now and never come back. I promise." Her words wash over him, comforting and grounding. "Or we can kill them. Kill them all, you just say the word." 

"Nein, no, no." He shakes his head and catches her hand. He breathes out slowly as he holds her warm skin against his cheek. He closes his eyes and grounds and centers. "I will be alright. I will be okay with all of you here with me." Maybe if he said it enough times it would become truth. 

Nott is still staring at him as he opens his eyes back up. She doesn't pull back though, doesn't leave his side. In fact, she curls up on his chest just like they used to when sleeping hard on the road. Her hand never leaves his face. It can't be comfortable for her but-- it comforts him. 

"If you're sure." Her voice is skeptical, but she drops it there and he is thankful for that. He wraps an arm around her and breathes out slowly. 

He stares at the ceiling of the cottage. He can tell Nott has not fallen asleep either. Her breathing is not regular, his hand has not gone lax. He appreciates her all the same. He is not sure. He still wants to run, but he can not run and leave behind his family. They have fought ghosts and spirits before, this is no different. He can stand against them. 

And, he is reminded as Nott gently rubs her thumb against his cheek, he is not standing against them alone. 


End file.
